What death feels like
by Niki8121
Summary: We know how Kirsten felt when she heard that flatline, but what was it like for Cameron to die?


**This is the first fanfic that I actually finished and decided to upload. I know my writing style is not the best and rather easy, so if anyone has ideas for improvement just tell me. It's always welcome.**

* * *

"You've got four minutes"

And with that his vision completely shut down. The last thing Cameron saw was Kirsten's face while she caught him to stop his body from falling. What he would give to feel her hug him right now, but everything is gone. Everything is grey.

* * *

Why did he do this again? Why did he do this to himself?

* _For Kirsten_ *. Is the answer coming from everywhere and nowhere. He did it for Kirsten; to keep her safe. But what if this goes wrong and he can't protect her in the future? He desperately wants to go back to her and tell her everything. But right now he has to rely on his team to bring him back.

* * *

When the grey around him started to turn into a cold black, his thoughts about Kirsten slipped away. The surrounding darkness consumed everything.

Cameron was never religious. For him science was all that mattered. Maybe other scientists could combine those things, but he couldn't. Therefore, he never believed in Life after death. Death is always the ultimate end.

Merely since he learned about the Stitchers program did this belief slightly change. They could place a living conscious into a dead person's memory, so why should everything end with death?

When people talked about how they died and saw a white light before coming back he had always dismissed it as some form of imagination.

Here was no white light; only darkness. This darkness around him was a big nothing, like a big black hole. But at the same time it glowed. It was bright and everything darkness was normally not. Like the darkness time didn't make any sense. It seemed to last forever and at the same time no time passed at all. Maybe that was how temporal dysplasia felt like. He couldn't tell if he was there in the blackness for a few minutes, days or if it were already years.

All of a sudden the darkness started to shift around him again. The cold black turned warm and less frightening.

Cameron started to perceive his surroundings. Though he couldn't hear or see what was happening around him, somehow he could * _feel_ *. He felt the faint presence of Linus and Camille. He felt the strong presence of Ayo and the medical staff around him. And he felt the extreme presence of Kirsten by his head.

She was scared. No, she was downright hysterical. Cameron didn't know what she was saying, but he knew it sounded desperate. The emotions radiating off of her were overwhelming. For someone with no concept of emotions she felt more than anybody else. The ever present distress was accompanied by sadness, anger, frustration and, surprisingly for him, mostly love. The same mix of emotions he always had when she was taking one of her stupid risks again.

* * *

The blinding darkness around him started to shift again. It was ripped through by white cracks that appeared in regular intervals. Now he could think again. It wasn't just the darkness and the feelings anymore. His own thoughts were coming back.

After the next rip in the dark Cameron started to physically feel again. The cold of the corpse cassette under him, the blanket over him, the electrodes on his body for the ECG. He could hear the faint but steady beeping of it and the voices of his team.

But all that moved to the back again when he felt warm and wet hands on his face and drops of water landing on his cheek. Kirsten was there with him, crying. She came nearer to his face and he could feel her breath and wet hair on his skin.

"I need you Cameron. Please come back to me. I can't do this without you." Her voice was strained from crying and screaming. He wanted to answer her, but all he could do was lie there and wish.

The voice of Ayo cut through his thoughts. "His pulse is stabilizing. He will probably wake up in a few hours."

Kirsten's panic ebbed slightly away at this.

* * *

She remained stayed with him when he was brought to the medical bay.

She didn't leave his side when Maggie told her to go and get changed.

She remained in the seat by his bed when Camille tried to get her home to sleep.

Throughout the whole time Cameron was aware of his surroundings and everything that happened, everything Kirsten told him, but he just couldn't completely wake up.

* * *

By the time everyone but Ayo had left, Kirsten was asleep in the chair next to his bed with her hand over his. All Cameron wanted to do was make room for her and get her out of that uncomfortable chair.

It seemed that his willpower was finally enough to let him come out of his not-completely-awake-but-not-sleeping-anymore-state. He turned his hand around and took Kirsten's. She jumped at the light and unexpected touch.

The time she stared at him seemed like forever, but when she finally processed what was happening all she could do was start to cry.

"I… I…" Kirsten sobbed.

"I know" Cameron squeezed her hand. It was unusual to see her cry. Maybe it was part of the residual emotions, because he would cry too if he were in her position. So instead he smiled, moved a little on his bed and patted the space next to him. When she lay down with her head on his chest, Cameron hugged her close.

"I am here. I'm not going to leave you again. Ever. Promise."

Kirsten looked up at him, tears subsiding. "I saw everything. The time after the first Stitch and the hospital when we were kids. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?"

Cameron played with her hair before looking into her eyes and saying: "Because your friendship is to important for me and I didn't want to risk that. I could live with unrequited love, but I could never live without your friendship."

"It's not unrequited"


End file.
